To the Man Who Made Me a Mother

Do you remember the moment I told you we were expecting our first baby? It was nothing like the cute, “surprise! You’re going to be a daddy” announcement I had pictured. Instead it was a quick phone call [right before your physics test] where I nervously blurted “I’m pregnant.” I was excited and terrified and surprised all at once and this huge part of me was absolutely sure I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be someone’s mother. I thought I was ready, but suddenly wasn’t. I couldn’t even wait a second to tell you because I had to hear your surprise and excitement and the reassurance in your voice — your confidence that we were ready. We could do this. could do this. In the moment that changed our lives forever you were the calm.

Do you remember going through every bit of that pregnancy together? You came to every doctor appointment, massaged every midnight leg cramp, held my hair as I threw up every day until 13 weeks. You indulged my every craving– I could have sent you to the moon at 2am for a cookie and you would have willingly gone and brought back two. You supported all my crazy ideas– like my need to announce our baby’s gender by cutting a cake at a little party, or that 23rd newborn outfit that I just had to have. In the quiet moments you were the sweet, whispering secrets to your little daughter in my belly. In the scary moments when I worried so much that something might go wrong you were the strength– the quiet voice always so certain that our baby was healthy and everything was perfect. And every day of that whole 38 weeks you were there.

Do you remember the day she was born? When we thought we had weeks left but my water broke unexpectedly and we knew that meant I’d be having the baby that night. I immediately started shaking– more nervous than I’d ever been. But you were there holding my hand as I waddled my way up to Labor & Delivery. You were there hugging me tight through my epidural. When I told the nurse that I couldn’t do it, you were the “yes you can, you’re strong.” reminding me that, with you, I could do anything. And when I looked up from the operating table to see you — all scrubbed up — come walking into the OR you were the peace in my heart. Then only 5 short minutes later hearing her beautiful cry and sharing the best, most surreal moment of my life with you, and when they handed you our daughter and I realized that as much as I thought I loved you holding my hand, there was no better feeling than the moment I saw you holding my baby. I will never ever forget your smile — visible even behind your mask — and knowing that in that moment you were all the joy in my life.

So much joy, in fact, that it wasn’t very long before we decided to do the entire thing again. And the second time was so much different, and yet, we were both almost exactly the same. I was the worry, the mess, the fear and you were the calm, the courage, the strength.

It was then that I realized that perhaps the best part of motherhood is watching you be a father. It was then that I realized that I am only the mother I am because of you. Because every moment since the moment I saw you become a father has been another moment I’ve grown even more thankful for you. Thankful for the unconditional love you give our babies. Thankful for the unwavering faith you have in me. When I think back on every single day of our parenting journey I can say with complete certainty that the best thing I have ever done for our children is choosing you to be their father. You are the constant in their lives. You are everything good in our family.

Thank you for being their daddy. Thank you for making me a mother. Thank you for giving me a lifetime, not only with you, but with two little humans who remind me so much of you and every single thing that makes me love you so much. Thank you for being more than everything our little family will ever need. I will always believe that you are the best father in the entire world.

Father’s day was made for you babe.